I shouldn’t be here.
That’s what I keep falling back on. Yet, by some divine mistake the painfully shy, broken, grammar-failure has stepped into a role that requires all of those qualifiers to fall to the wayside. And so I find myself fighting to believe that the accumulation of all our “failures” and insecurities somehow brings us to our greatest joys and maybe even “callings”.
Let’s stop here for a second, though. Can I be real? Admitting that you believe something to be a “call” on your life sounds a little funny to me. I grew up hearing people say they felt called to this or that and thought, “Sure… why don’t you admit it’s just something you want to do?”
But my heart has been pressed to believe something different over the years. It’s been shaped to hear that the “calls” on our lives are our mere acceptances of extended invitations from God. Its a mixture of divine desire and where our brokenness meets our communities’.
And so I’m urged to say, if only in a whisper that The Bud Co. was born out of a call. A dream of an organization that champions the identity Jesus won for us over who the world has made us to be. A community that connects that identity to our everyday living.
Yet even, maybe especially, with a “call”, The Bud Co. has met Shame’s accusations. Unqualified, wannabes, pipe-dreamers. We seem to be stuck between the questions of “Will this ever be anything?” and “You really think this is meant to be?” and a sure steadiness that we are just watching His work unfold in front of us. Watching with joy, tears, and an ache in our heart.
I can’t help but find myself answering Shame in agreement.
Yes I have been painfully shy
Yes I am insecure
Yes I am broken
Yes I don’t have all the answers, maybe not even some of them.
Yes I’m not perfect
Yes I have flaws that should keep me from this work
Yes, that’s exactly why I am here.
Because I bear my own wounds. Because I have felt like I can’t go on. Because I have been tempted to disqualify myself. Because something has to change.
We change, by grace. Accusations change into affirmations—Reminders of how we need Jesus more than we need our own security and perfection. Gals, shame isn’t always wrong, but it is always missing the point. We are flawed and broken and imperfect and thank God. Otherwise, we may miss our need for more and more and more of Jesus. Our pasts don’t disqualify us, in fact they almost always add to how He qualifies our future in His kingdom.
So yea, Shame you’ve read our secret diaries that store all the scribbles we wish were left on the pages. You know all our soft spots to jab your pointed accusations. You even know the light to keep our lives in to turn joys to sorrows, but here’s the thing: You don’t get to tell us who we are.
A God who redefines our story, gets to tell us that and he roars: Daughter, Beloved, Destined, Soldier, Ambassador.
Yet even when our hearts know the voice of our Father, doesn’t shame still whisper doubt? Maybe it’s not till heaven that we know our true name, and until then this world will let Shame tell me “You don’t belong here”, and I won’t argue, because it’s right. I am a citizen of heaven. You are a citizen of heaven, Bud. So Until then, let’s press into the sweetest places in life where we depend wholly on His constant provision, on His voice singing over us making accusations into affirmations.
We do the scary things, we take the risks because even in light of our weakness, we are made perfect. We do it, in His strength.
So I shouldn’t be here, but thank God He’s brought me here.